‘Survivor Nicaragua’ Recap: ‘It May Have Been the Stupidest Move’ | The Stir

Someone tell the Survivor producers they need to stop opening with a night scene of Espada, because it’s getting—AAAHHHH ARE THOSE DAN’S BLURRED-OUT TESTICLES THE CAMERA IS LINGERING ON DEAR GOD NOOOOO—

Whew, we’re back to La Flor, where no one’s genitalia is present. Marty confronts Jane about the last tribal council vote, saying, “I think you wrote my name down.” Jane’s response is to laugh awkwardly and . . . slap him on the back. Uhhhh, worst poker face ever, Jane.

Challenge time! This one’s for reward, and involves people throwing balls while leaping into a pit of water. Fabio stops to take a leisurely whizz while he’s submerged, announcing that it doesn’t matter because the water’s dirty anyway. Well it certainly is NOW, Fabio. Gross.

Espada wins, earning one of those travel-somewhere-exotic-and-become-overwhelmed-with-emotion rewards. Sure enough, Chase gets choked up when they start with a group horseback ride, because it reminds him of his father, who passed away. It’s kind of a touching scene but I’m distracted by the fact that everyone suddenly has long pants. Can you have long pants whenever you want on Survivor, you think, or only when there’s a threat of saddle chafing?

They move on to visiting a Nicaraguan farm where everyone tries their hand at milking a cow. Predictably, NaOnka is horrible at this, and announces—unnecessarily—that she’s not a farm person. “I don’t play with animals’ nipples,” she says, because that’s what milking’s all about, right? PLAYING WITH COW NIPPLES?

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